5 O'Clock

“Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

   The air was filled with the sounds of the many nine-to-fivers who had bustled into the restaurants booze promising walls. Sipping my long-awaited liquid tranquilizer I quickly scanned the room.

   Balding men and suit-clad, middle aged women hunched over appetizers in close, but loud conversations about office life; work-life. My nerves, like a bed of exposed hot-wires, were slowly silencing their current with every sip. Vaguely aware that I was covered in the spit of the thirteen patients I had seen in the last eight hours, I tried to smile winningly at my comrade in arms.

   "So how was your day?' I asked, knowing some sordid tale would follow.

Three for the Price of One

   I am officially promoting the new HBO series "Girls" to any woman who suffered through her early twenties and felt she barely made it through alive. Its a show about the emotional little wars we all bare scars from to this day. Basically, if you have a sense of humor at all, you'll love it.

  There's even some funny shit and soft porn in there for the guys. The "soft" part meaning awkward and hilarious. Watch it. Laugh. Thank me later.

Spring is finally the f*** here.

A Fat Slice of WTF!? a.k.a Humble Pie

"Irony is a disciplinarian feared only by those who do not know it, but cherished by those who do."                      ~ Soren Kierkegaard

   My jaw was screaming.

   More specifically, the left side. Mouth propped open, with four adult sized hands fully engaged in a miniture construction zone in the nether regions of my mouth, I lay in pained silence. I tried to breathe, to take my mind elsewhere, briefly finding myself back in the tasteless Micheal Pitt film I hadn't finished watching the night before. Trying to focus on images of Micheal Pitt barely clothed, I managed to block the pain for a whole two seconds before it came screaming back with a vengence.

Open Wide, Please....

   "I find that most men would rather have their bellies opened for five hundred dollars than have a tooth pulled for five." ~Martin H. Fischer

   When an adult person sits in a dental chair we expect they will try their hardest to accomodate us as much as we accomodate them. Its a relationship, not fast food.

   Unlike an animal, who is without human reasoning and language, we expect you understand our needs when we voice them to you. Case in point: when asked to open your mouth a little wider, we just expect you know what that means and how to perform such a feat. Often its adults who find this request somewhat difficult, while children will readily give your their biggest alligator mouth possible.

Flossing: (verb) To show off something that is of high value.

"Every tooth in a man’s head is more valuable than a diamond." ~Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote, 1605

   

     Flossing, by the Urban Dictionary definition, describes an act of showing off something of value in hopes of frequently getting laid. I am here to explain that this idea and word originated in the Dental community with a thin piece of twine, commonly referred to as "Floss". When used properly, said Floss can in fact help one to show off something of value. That something being a fantastic set of original, healthy teeth, regarded throughout the world as being quite sexy.

Belly

There is not much a fresh squeezed Greyhound followed by bacon wrapped figs can't cure.

After a day of the crazies, this is all that one needs for sanctuary. Sidled up to my bestie, we hunch over our small feast, laughing between much needed sips of the sanity restoring drink. Fresh squeezed grapefruit and Grey Goose, my friends, is the mommy's little helper of the working lady. You can thank me later.

The New 1950's Housewife

This is a dental manifesto. Explanations will be found here as to why your dental assistant sometimes smells of bourbon, why her eyes glaze over the instant you begin talking about your kids or what that perpetual blank smile is doing on her face as she goes about her duties.

We don't really care and we drink. Alot.

As you step into the sterile walls of our confinement, just remember: behind our plastacine smiles we are a bitter, underpaid and hung-over lot. Proceed with caution and do not be fooled by our girlish demeanor. We are soft spoken but are the keepers of sharp objects.